Photo by Charles Deluvio on Unsplash
In Part 1, I wrote about why learning to negotiate is one of the top skills to nurture as a PM. In Part 2, I share my experience of how I put myself out there, practiced negotiating and eventually got adept at it. I’ll write about my negotiation toolbox, specific techniques I’ve applied successfully and share resources that helped me.
The struggle
Initially in my career, I was quite passive and reactive when it came to this crucial soft skill. I was extremely uncomfortable talking about money, so I never negotiated my pay. I didn’t ask for opportunities that felt out of my reach. I considered myself a lifelong learner, so I never questioned the feedback I was given, never reasoned or spoke my mind about it.
Then one day, my frustration about being on the receiving end hit boiling point, so I blurted out my mind. And it changed my life. This is not a path I recommend anyone take. Do yourself a favor, start practicing negotiation early. The confidence it fuels will supercharge your life and career.
Books, talks, podcasts, etc are great to understand the psychology of negotiation and give you a philosophical framework through which you can view your relationships, interactions, desires, conflict, victory and loss. However, real life situations, where the stakes are high, often catch you unaware:
Your manager breaks the news of a team re-org and what it means for you. You have a visceral reaction to it.
Your partner is offered a significantly higher position in a different city which will be a once-in-a-lifetime career move.
The leader you were counting on to be your sponsor for a big promotion decides to leave the company.
You get an offer from your dream company and they have completely lowballed you.
In my case, I jumped ship at my company opportunistically every time I was at a high point, forgoing promotion cycles for what seemed like bold, adventurous moves..Until I realized it was nobody’s problem to promote me any more. 3 years had gone by and I had learnt and done so much, but not advanced on paper at all. It was not that important before. But now it was. How did I get myself in this situation, I asked.
The answers: lack of intellectual honesty and self awareness about what truly mattered to me, lack of vision, foresight and blind spots around my external market value and internal perception. In other words, I just hadn’t put in the work.
Baby steps
The first step in my journey was recognizing where I was at and asking myself where I needed to be. Not in vague terms, but with utmost specificity - what I wanted to learn, how I wanted to spend my time, title, income, lifestyle, dynamic with coworkers, etc. - and what I was willing to give up for it. I had built deeply limiting beliefs and spun a web of false assumptions and faulty thinking. I had a lot to untangle and it was a wholesome awakening. I spent a lot of time thinking deeply and writing.
Acknowledgement and acceptance were liberating in themself, which pushed me into the next phase: experimentation. My goal was simple: being in the driver’s seat for my own life, in a way that those around me feel empowered. I had to be committed to 1) asking for what I wanted 2) iterating on how i did it, to get to the outcome and balance I sought.
Strides
So then it was practice, practice, practice. I went rogue, and frankly, had a lot of fun with it. I was willing to suck at it, and just threw myself out there.
I negotiated a waiver on 4 months of gym membership fees when I bought personal training sessions. I got it.
I was getting a new apartment, and asked for a $300/month lower rent in return for same day confirmation and payment. I got it.
I negotiated personal discounts with sales people while shopping. ‘Let me ask my manager’ ended in a ‘yes we can do that’ more often than not!
I interviewed on the side and practiced negotiating the offers I got.
I negotiated roadmap and resource allocation heavily with my engineering manager. We created win-win situations quarter over quarter over quarter.
I got to negotiate my compensation with our interim CTO! (story for another day). I didn’t get what I wanted, but I learnt a lot about how the comp system works so I could steer it in my favor effectively next time.
I started noticing my previous hesitation to negotiate what was offered, and began jumping in with counter offers in many instances across work and life. It made me think and learn a lot! The more I ventured, the more it surprised me how willing people were to collaborate on mutually beneficial solutions to everyday problems. I felt like I had been living under a rock, depriving myself of hidden benefits all my life! For someone who had believed in fixed prices and outcomes all my life, I was in for a slew of surprises.
I heard a bunch of talks and read books about negotiating. I also watched leaders I looked up to closely in meetings. I bounced what I was going to say in important conversations against trusted friends and got feedback, I provided the same to them when they needed.
Leaps
Through acquired knowledge, trial and error and the empirical learnings, I narrowed down to a set of powerful ideas and takeaways that would form my base principles as a negotiator. I’ll outline these below with real examples of what I’ve said in negotiations across different walks of life.
The best negotiations are where both/all parties feel like they won. Create win-win situations.
Ex. The engineering team proposed an alternative that’s easier to implement than the feature planned by the PM, but solves the underlying customer problem just as effectively. We go with that approach.
Begin negotiations by finding common ground. Bring a collaborative, not an aggressive/ combative approach. Be committed to listening, asking questions, empathy and dialog.
“I believe we’ve both noticed some underlying tension between us in our recent meetings such as xyz, abc? I wanted to address that.”
“I’m sure we’d be able to talk about what is important to each of us and reach an agreement that works.”
…but anchoring is real.
PM: “Based on the scope and sizing of the components you provided, this seems like 18 person weeks of work?” (slightly aggressive estimate).
EM: “That’s too aggressive, accounting for unknowns, since some of these are low confidence estimates, I would add a 20-30% buffer, so 22-24 weeks.”
(I’ve now provided an anchor, relative to which the other party will be inclined to offer something reasonably expected by me.)
Data is leverage, don’t skimp on it.
“I sent you a document in which I included salary range data from 4 different platforms, how that relates to my compa ratio and the rating I have received. It may be helpful to understand my expectations. If you could review it and add comments before our comp discussion, it will be a more productive meeting”.
(Not only have I gone in prepared with an arsenal of data, I also show respect to and empower my manager by sharing my thinking in advance and giving her time to prepare)
Simplify the job for the other party by showing them what’s in it for them. Make them an offer they can’t resist.
“I really love the apartment, it checks most of my boxes. Not having a dishwasher is definitely an issue, plus the fact that its on the main road going up the hill, and must get the noise from the traffic below. That explains why such an amazing listing has been open for so long. I’m willing to make the tradeoff because I really love the space, but that number is a bit over my budget. If you can talk to the owner and ask if they can do $xyz , I can commit to fill the application and pay the dues today itself.”
Be generous and intentional about expressing how much you want something. Excitement is palpable, and sweetness really pays off!
“Before we start discussing the specifics of the offer, I wanted to take a moment to thank you for your help through this process. Ever since I learnt about FooCompany, I have been following it closely and have tried most of the products. I even write app store reviews for them! I believe it is a really special company, and I’m so excited to be sitting here and having this conversation with you!”
…but always and genuinely be willing to walk away from a proposal that doesn’t cut it for you. Be true to your criteria.
“I’m afraid, with your SLA requirements Ms. customer, we will not be able to accommodate you into the private beta for CoolProduct. In our last meeting I shared our release stages framework with you. Customer trust is really important to our product org, and it is simply against our values and policy to misrepresent the stage the product is in. I empathize with your business need for an SLA, and as mutually disappointing as this is, we will not be able to make this requirement work with our private beta criteria. If you’re able to work with your team to waive the SLA, my team and I are excited to personally help onboard you.”
Humor is infectious, disarming, and a huge stress reliever. Use it sparingly, and keep it authentic.
“(Before we get started on the proposal review), what do you call a factory that makes okay products? A satisfactory ;-) ”
Parting thoughts
With this two part series about negotiation, I wanted to write about a topic that I feel strongly about and want to see more accessible to everyone. Despite so many resources out there (I list the ones that inspired me), I wanted to get to the heart of why so many folks I know struggle to do this right (it’s hard!) and break down what’s worked for me in a way that is relatable and personal. Did I succeed? What did I miss? What else could be helpful to readers?
Resources
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B005K0AYH4/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
https://www.amazon.com/Negotiating-Your-Salary-Make-Minute/dp/1580083102
Unconventional advice: Take a course on value based selling. I don’t have experience with one I can share, as I learnt it through a training at work ages back. Even though its a sales course, I draw a lot of my thinking around negotiations from there and it prepares you to approach people problems with a sales person’s mind!